Nirvana

When something releases you from the glitches of everyday yearning and torment, it feels wierdly nice. Smiles. It happened today. there was release, release from that feeling of yearning i have felt for so long. Now i can focus on the present. Just Do or Be. You said it. I wont harass u anymore. Somethings need to go away. i understand. have a happy life. Will always wish u well.

wierd post

It rained today. There is something abt rains that makes me happy and something that makes me sad. I was really sad today. And for the most part i felt alone. i have a lot of 'FRIENDS' i can share my lows with. But i don't have the will to tell everyone of them or anyone of them how i feel. Sometimes you just wish there was someone who understood you completely. You didn't have to tell them what it is that you want or how it is that you would expect them to bring you out of that mood/sadness. Sometimes, someone must just , without telling you, do those things that you want them to do. Sometimes you just need a CONNECT. A person to sit down with and TALK with.

As i was whining(in my head) today, sitting with a friend who was very silent, it suddenly Rained. All of us hurried towards the sheds nearby. As the winds blew hard and forced me to get wet and cold, it just felt as though God had one thing to say to the damsel in despair, "chill, enjoy yourself, everything Will be alright."

i felt a little better. Im not still ok. i dont know if i will be.

Forgiveness- Seek and Give

I spoke to a 'once-upon-a-time' friend of mine yesterday. He said he feels anger for me. Maybe i did things which pissed him off. And yes, so did he. I was shocked, scared , angry and hurt. I never verbally abused him. He did. He never ignored me. I did. Somewhere, we both failed. Failed to realise that we were looking for different things in the wrong place.

Sometimes, you feel nothing but peace. I apologised to him yesterday. I had to do it from a long time. I dint apologise becos its all my fault. We both are at fault and is more at fault is a highly debabatble issue for many, but i've done my part. Forgiveness must be seeked before it is given to realise how valuable it can be. After that, it doesnt matter if he is still angry. Forgiveness is seeked and forgiveness is given....

Like he said,' The chapter is closed, i dont value those things anymore'.......i dont agree. You always value what you valued at a certain time. Becos if you dont now, then you never valued them ever.

(Some Peace and a smile)

Anxiety and Positivism

There is no recipe. Its work every morning and some rest in the evening. Its a struggle every passing day and every restless night. But its good.

There are so many roads to success. Today as i sat at the coffee shop listening to a friend talking abt his cousin on the verge of becoming a CA and then earning so much that i might not earn soon enough got me thinking. Another friend if mine was also listyening to this and was entered his own thinking phase. Somewhere if there was something called telepathy this is what i truly felt and i would communicate to him.

This is for you, 'Tom Cruise'

There are many stories. Stories of all successes are different. Some find an easier route. Some others choose a tougher one thinking it will be easy. Some just land up in a journey they dont know much about. In any of these circumstances just one thing remains. Just one moral. We HAVE to be ready to face a DIFFICULT time. Its not going to be easy. WHO ever believes that is doomed , from right now.

Secondly, I know its takin way too much time. I know we are not doing enough to be what we want to be. The one place where we are lacking today is 'TOO MUCH THINKING and very less DOING' . I think sometimes its best to STOP thinking and DO.
Most of our time goes into this....i know this advice coming from me is wierd considering i think so much myself. But i am just saying what i believe.

Lastly, If i dont believe in myself and in the fact that PERSEVERENCE, FAITH and INTEGRITY will get me where i want( may it then be in terms of the salary i earn or the work i do) Noone else wil believe in me. Noone.

I know i have chosen a difficult path. I am not a CA to earn a 50, 000 a month. But then again, i am not worth anything less either.

Jesus

Its been so long. Tomorrow is easter. The Lord has risen from the Dead. Goodness has won yet again. I read this beautiful poem about Jesus. I wish to post it here. so that this post will always remain. My Lord Friend has been there for me always. I have felt his presence in recent days even more. I am not okay. He is there beside me. I will be.

When Jesus looks upon my life,
What picture does He see?
Does He see His own reflection,
Or does He just see me?

Does He see His likeness,
The product of His hand.
Or just another Christian,
Who never took a stand?

Does He see a child of God,
A child that He made free?
Living life to honor Him,
Or does He just see me?

What about the other folks,
I meet along the way.
Do I show them Jesus,
To brighten up their day?

When someone looks into my eyes,
Can they truly see.
That calm and gentle peace of God,
That dwells inside of me?

When I reach out and shake a hand,
Is He right there in my grip?
Can they feel that strength from God,
That steadies when I slip?

When folks are in my presence,
Do they know His Spirit's there?
Can they see that He's the one,
Who guides me everywhere?

When other people think of me,
What is on their mind?
Do they think of Jesus Christ,
So gentle and so kind?

I try to be like Jesus,
Every single day.
Spreading love and kindness,
All along my way.

I'm afraid that I have failed,
I could not pass the test.
Deep inside my heart I know,
I haven't done my best.

I have had to fight my flesh,
Since the day that I was born.
It's always causing trouble,
And being such a thorn.

That's why His Spirit dwells in me,
He's helping me to learn.
In every situation,
Where I need to turn.

He knew I'd never pass the test,
That's why He took my place.
He gave His life to save my soul,
He suffered my disgrace.

Now I try to be like Him,
I must present Him well.
So other folks will want His gift,
And turn their backs on hell.

Other folks should see the joy,
That Christ has given me.
They should want to have it too,
Especially since it's free.

They should begin to ask me,
What is it they must do.
Just how it is they go about,
Getting Jesus too.

Then I get to tell them,
This wondrous gift is free.
It only takes a humble heart,
A prayer on bended knee.

Someday when I'm face to face,
With the Lord who made me free.
Will He see His own reflection,
Or will He just see me?

By: Chick Velasco

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Beauty and the beast

Was watching this movie today. Today, i felt the lowest depths of lows and each time i pushed my self to cross over a bridge to a land called 'feeling better' the bridge just gave way. I realise i am a person of extremes. too much love, too mush sadness, too much laugh, too much cry, too much fear , too much brave. Like God created contrasts and exclaimed roaringly his balance of all creations, i too am a person within whom lies a series of dark contrasts. The only difference is there is hardly a balance.

so coming back to the movie. Beauty and Beast. Two contrasts. Somehow i couldn't help see the deep underlying meaning and my own interpretation kind of lifted my spirits today. The bridge was clear and i could finally hold on. As the movie rolled, my mind wandered on some abstract interpretation of it. 'Beauty' is the natural kindness, love, warmth, care that i have been blessed with by God, my parents and all who love me. I have people who feel i am important to them. That makes me secure. That makes it easier for me to exude warmth.

'Beast' is another part of me. The jealous, selfish, self centered, proud, wierd, part of me that makes me feel that i dont care about the world; noone needs to. I need to think about what i am and what i will be.

When beauty meets beast , beauty has a certain kind of tolerance, understanding, patience and determination to make beast a better person..(oh well...or maybe a better beast).

Cut. Me,
My goodness needs to tolerate and understand where this jealousy, or the bad side of me comes from. why am i angry? is it just a defence against my insecurities?...why am i self centered? is it because i dont trust anyone?.... Slowly, beauty has more patience with my beast side. The beast side of me resists, tries to overpower beauty. Gives in. Becos it doesnt like being a beast. Becos theres way too much determination that beauty has.

Phew. Maybe it doesnt make any sense to you now that you are reading this.

well all in all i just loved the movie...it talks abt everything everyone likes.... bravery, love, genuinity, sadness, dreams, family, romance.....All colours i have in my life already, maybe not all ....doesnt matter...

a silent smile on your face
a lovely sense of joy and grace

make me an instrument of love
and let me know what your're thinking of...
a little conversation

a brilliant destination
a timeless hope and dream thrown away

a sister, a brother, and all my relationships
where are you taking me...i love thee , ill come anywhere
just hold my hand
just take a stand

i love you with all my heart and soul.

Alone

what does it take to have patience and see your life taking a route where you don't know what you are going to experience at the next stop...It takes a lot... Fear of the unknown multiplied with the fact that close ones aren't with you is difficult. Its possible to survive though. If you really want to.

Of late, i have been feeling this way. I read the following lines somewhere and i find it to be so true.


It's no good trying to get rid of your own aloneness. You've got to stick to it all your life. Only at times, at times, the gap will be filled in. At times! But you have to wait for the times.

- D.H.Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover.



I have learnt to deal with this part called Aloneness. It is when u deal with this feeling that you learn to let go easily. Near yet far... Close yet not attached. Life will be much easier if only we learn this.

Blah.

its been so long since i have written here... My first post in the new year!!... New year eve was Great!!!....Great was not the word...have never felt so nice, so special before....I wrote something today and i really liked it...

There is great power in Silence. Its not a sign of cowardice but a the hallmark of patience and resilience.

Miming practices going on. Feeling very nice abt it. A feeling that i yearned for years. Finally coming true.