When I was born and my mama held me
I clenched my fist, and looked at her face, something twirled in me.
And I didn’t know what that feeling was.
When I grew up in my imaginative world
And fought wars in my head and created magical playgrounds
As my friend fell wounded onto the ground, something twirled inside of me.
And I didn’t know what that feeling was.
When I was 18, He said he loved me
And he kissed my cheek and bought me flowers I did not like
And when he said his goodbyes long after, something twirled inside of me
And I didn’t know what that feeling was.
Now I am 25. And there’s no one beside me.
I work in a real world, plain and dark; alone and complicated.
People ask me if I’ve ever experienced ‘love’.
They say its complicated. Convoluted. Chaotic and unexplained.
And something that twirls inside me says I don’t know how long for that feeling was.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
A man at the coffee shop and my favorite cappuchino
I am sitting at a coffee shop in a decently crowded mall. I can seen a lot of families , parents with their kids , husbands and wives, grand parents and grand children looking at the myriad displays of toys, jewellery, sarees, books, home furniture. Many look past the windows and some enter. Many find the stuff expensive, few pay up and leave.
At the coffee shop is a man. Aged 30-35 probably . I notice he wears a hearing aid. I know that he cant hear me. Ive been to this place too many times now. I remember him. I ‘enunciate’ the word ‘ cappuchino’ . He nods his head. I add ‘small’. He half nods. Im not sure he heard me. I use my hands to demonstrate. I make a C with a palm of my hand and I say ‘ small’ He nods in affirmation, quite confidently this time. I take a seat.
I see a young 27-28 year old woman arrive with a man by her side. They look like a couple, unmarried. She wants Tea. They don’t really know why this man at the counter is not able to understand her. He write down the word “ tea? Tea bag is available”. She asks him a few more questions by writing on a piece of paper. And now he knows what she wants. Hes struggling, but he looks very confident. Not a hint of unsurety.
I look at him and I look at me. His loneliness must be so much worse than mine I imagine. At least my loneliness can be escaped for a while by all this noise. I can escape with music, by theatre, by the sound of my own voice and the sound of other people’s too. I can escape the depths of darkness and the Silence that I dread, by filling up life with as much noise as I can. Can he? What does he do when he wants to talk to someone and express his deepest fears and joys? What does he do when he’s so angry and hurt, when all that he needs to do to let it out is scream and shout? How does he sincerely, continuously work every single day, without the music to pep him up when he’s travelling or to calm him down when hes tired and frustrated. He’s as much human as you and me. Im sure he struggles to live with constant hopelessness of extraordinary life, extraordinary love and extraordinary lifestyle.
As I see him relentlessly working through all the work he’s been doing as I write; I wonder if he has faith. I wonder if he worries so much about a future he hasn’t seen and about a present hes probably not very happy with. Is he happy about where he is? Does he believe that life will get better as he goes along? Does he live in faith and hope, believing that God is looking after him. God wont disappoint him, that he will have everything he truly wishes for and prays for, if they are in GoD’s plan that is. God never disappoints, He has the best plans always. Hes working with so much sincerity; so much love. Maybe God wants us to have patience sometimes. The best things come to us when we wait. And Maybe the man in the coffee shop behind the counter is doing just that. How little faith we have, how little love.
At the coffee shop is a man. Aged 30-35 probably . I notice he wears a hearing aid. I know that he cant hear me. Ive been to this place too many times now. I remember him. I ‘enunciate’ the word ‘ cappuchino’ . He nods his head. I add ‘small’. He half nods. Im not sure he heard me. I use my hands to demonstrate. I make a C with a palm of my hand and I say ‘ small’ He nods in affirmation, quite confidently this time. I take a seat.
I see a young 27-28 year old woman arrive with a man by her side. They look like a couple, unmarried. She wants Tea. They don’t really know why this man at the counter is not able to understand her. He write down the word “ tea? Tea bag is available”. She asks him a few more questions by writing on a piece of paper. And now he knows what she wants. Hes struggling, but he looks very confident. Not a hint of unsurety.
I look at him and I look at me. His loneliness must be so much worse than mine I imagine. At least my loneliness can be escaped for a while by all this noise. I can escape with music, by theatre, by the sound of my own voice and the sound of other people’s too. I can escape the depths of darkness and the Silence that I dread, by filling up life with as much noise as I can. Can he? What does he do when he wants to talk to someone and express his deepest fears and joys? What does he do when he’s so angry and hurt, when all that he needs to do to let it out is scream and shout? How does he sincerely, continuously work every single day, without the music to pep him up when he’s travelling or to calm him down when hes tired and frustrated. He’s as much human as you and me. Im sure he struggles to live with constant hopelessness of extraordinary life, extraordinary love and extraordinary lifestyle.
As I see him relentlessly working through all the work he’s been doing as I write; I wonder if he has faith. I wonder if he worries so much about a future he hasn’t seen and about a present hes probably not very happy with. Is he happy about where he is? Does he believe that life will get better as he goes along? Does he live in faith and hope, believing that God is looking after him. God wont disappoint him, that he will have everything he truly wishes for and prays for, if they are in GoD’s plan that is. God never disappoints, He has the best plans always. Hes working with so much sincerity; so much love. Maybe God wants us to have patience sometimes. The best things come to us when we wait. And Maybe the man in the coffee shop behind the counter is doing just that. How little faith we have, how little love.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Aerosmith says Fly Away From Here
Lets fly away from here. Question is : where to?
Its Sunday evening. The stereo blares with Aerosmith screaming into my ears. And its the loudest i have ever turned the volume to. Im loving every thing about 4.30 this evening. I wonder what it is that i dream of. And i wonder how easily can i get there and pick my dreams with my name written on them and keep them safe for the rest of my life. And someone says, keep the faith. i think its important to keep the faith and keep the dream alive, to keep compassion and keep searching and keep being.
If you want to be happy. Be.
The dance classes are a lot of fun, Something new to learn makes life so much more interesting no?It feels so 'ALIVE'. and it feels happy. Its these bits and pieces of happy moments that fuells us to keep the faith. Keep living and hoping that every weekend and every weekday, we will come across happiness and he'll grab us by the arms and never wanna leave us alone.
Im going to 25yr old! Last 5 years have been the richest years of my life. And im proud about a few things and im not-so-proud about a few others. Overall though its been Good. God's always been on my side. And im really lucky to have that. :)
Somehow among just a few uncertainities, have figured what i need. Among the clutter and the noise, have figured what i stand for and what i am. A year back all this wouldnt have been possible. Thats not to say that im all sorted. Im still uncertai n and im stil scared of the unknown. I still fear my dreams and hopes not coming true. Whats different now is , i have a little more courage to deal with them.
And now i wanna fly away from here. Question is: where to? And then she Smiles.
Its Sunday evening. The stereo blares with Aerosmith screaming into my ears. And its the loudest i have ever turned the volume to. Im loving every thing about 4.30 this evening. I wonder what it is that i dream of. And i wonder how easily can i get there and pick my dreams with my name written on them and keep them safe for the rest of my life. And someone says, keep the faith. i think its important to keep the faith and keep the dream alive, to keep compassion and keep searching and keep being.
If you want to be happy. Be.
The dance classes are a lot of fun, Something new to learn makes life so much more interesting no?It feels so 'ALIVE'. and it feels happy. Its these bits and pieces of happy moments that fuells us to keep the faith. Keep living and hoping that every weekend and every weekday, we will come across happiness and he'll grab us by the arms and never wanna leave us alone.
Im going to 25yr old! Last 5 years have been the richest years of my life. And im proud about a few things and im not-so-proud about a few others. Overall though its been Good. God's always been on my side. And im really lucky to have that. :)
Somehow among just a few uncertainities, have figured what i need. Among the clutter and the noise, have figured what i stand for and what i am. A year back all this wouldnt have been possible. Thats not to say that im all sorted. Im still uncertai n and im stil scared of the unknown. I still fear my dreams and hopes not coming true. Whats different now is , i have a little more courage to deal with them.
And now i wanna fly away from here. Question is: where to? And then she Smiles.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Chasing Cars
Its been so long since ive written here, cant belive its been more than 6 months now. Wonder if its sheer lazyness that drives me to stay put with the thoughts running through my head or just the fact that i dont have anything particularly exciting or interesting to offer; in terms of life's lessons.
And to be very honest, its this weather : dreamy and dull, nostalgic and happy that really is my only motivation to write.
Rains. Rains make me very happy. You know that wierd feeling in the heart? or is it the stomach? True happinesss that makes me smile right in the middle of a crowded bus; or on a onely footpath as i walk down half drenched, shivering cold and music in my ears. Im born in August and perhaps thats why i love the rains so much . Or maybe ive just had a lot of happy memories in the rains and thats why they make me so happy, so chatty, so lively.
It also makes me very nostalgic. I go back to think about all the happy times i had; and i remember only little. Life changes SO much. Im going to be 25 this year and in the last 3-4 years, so many things have changed in my friend's lives and mine; Im almost having a 'mid -20s crisis' as a friend says! Come to think of it; Life is a lot difficult when you want to stop and gather the best pieces and stay with it. Life doesnt allow you to stay where you are and feel contented. Its like a train that stops at various stations, but just in case you love staying at one of these it wont let you stay there. It will forcibly carry you with it to the next destination. And yes, you could choose to stay at any of these stops if you'd like; but then you see everyone else who boards the train and you're left all alone there. And when you're alone; any place doesnt look pretty anymore.
Why do we have to work so hard to make things right? or to keep them the same? why doesnt it work everytime we try to do so? Why does happiness feel so temporary and short-lived?Why cant we just be happy to explore the other destinations of our life and enjoy each one as it comes? why does life give us One advice: to keep going and never stop?
It was my best friend's birthday. He wasnt here. He missed this place, us, me, this country. And i thought must write something to make him feel better in one of those low days. I wrote down something and framed it. Its a hot summer afternoon. I need a courier office to be open on a weekend to courier this gift. The frame is made of glass and it might break. The courier office doesnt accept it. I search. I hunt. Im tired. 3 of them reject the consignment. The last one i beg.
He smiles and warns: Its not our responsibility if this breaks. I nod. Even if broken pieces reach him; the words will say just about the same thing.
Another year, Its my best friend's birthday. I dont call. He doesnt care. We dont talk.
And to be very honest, its this weather : dreamy and dull, nostalgic and happy that really is my only motivation to write.
Rains. Rains make me very happy. You know that wierd feeling in the heart? or is it the stomach? True happinesss that makes me smile right in the middle of a crowded bus; or on a onely footpath as i walk down half drenched, shivering cold and music in my ears. Im born in August and perhaps thats why i love the rains so much . Or maybe ive just had a lot of happy memories in the rains and thats why they make me so happy, so chatty, so lively.
It also makes me very nostalgic. I go back to think about all the happy times i had; and i remember only little. Life changes SO much. Im going to be 25 this year and in the last 3-4 years, so many things have changed in my friend's lives and mine; Im almost having a 'mid -20s crisis' as a friend says! Come to think of it; Life is a lot difficult when you want to stop and gather the best pieces and stay with it. Life doesnt allow you to stay where you are and feel contented. Its like a train that stops at various stations, but just in case you love staying at one of these it wont let you stay there. It will forcibly carry you with it to the next destination. And yes, you could choose to stay at any of these stops if you'd like; but then you see everyone else who boards the train and you're left all alone there. And when you're alone; any place doesnt look pretty anymore.
Why do we have to work so hard to make things right? or to keep them the same? why doesnt it work everytime we try to do so? Why does happiness feel so temporary and short-lived?Why cant we just be happy to explore the other destinations of our life and enjoy each one as it comes? why does life give us One advice: to keep going and never stop?
It was my best friend's birthday. He wasnt here. He missed this place, us, me, this country. And i thought must write something to make him feel better in one of those low days. I wrote down something and framed it. Its a hot summer afternoon. I need a courier office to be open on a weekend to courier this gift. The frame is made of glass and it might break. The courier office doesnt accept it. I search. I hunt. Im tired. 3 of them reject the consignment. The last one i beg.
He smiles and warns: Its not our responsibility if this breaks. I nod. Even if broken pieces reach him; the words will say just about the same thing.
Another year, Its my best friend's birthday. I dont call. He doesnt care. We dont talk.
Monday, January 31, 2011
How i fell in love ......with Me.
I have been contemplating on writing a book about my life ( only if eventually i can overcome my laziness to write anything). And if i had to write one, the first thing that haunts me is what i must name it. And after not much deliberation and effort i decide i must name it ' How i fell in love with Me'. Well for those who have been ardent fans of 'How i met your mother' and have never ever seemed to have found out who the 'mother' really is; at least you know whom im talking about. And before your mouse click reaches the 'close' button on this browser page, let me hope to interest you with what i would say is the synopsis of this book.
'How i fell in love with me' is like a travelouge where the author in seemingly transient conscious and subconsious state of mind reflects and spells the various people, incidents, tragedies and joys in her life. She journeys through the turbulent years of adolescence to the carefree world of cheap freedom, and from the childhood of maturity to the adulthood of wisdom and achievement. And in her own enigmatic, wierd way, the author reaches out to the world with a message of how important it is to love; but more important is to love thyself. In her own words,
"Loving another person( romantically) requires you to love and understand what you stand for. Its only when you know what you mean to yourself can you let someone else mean the world to you."
I am definitely going to write this one; Interesting or not, life's lessons musn't be forgotten.
'How i fell in love with me' is like a travelouge where the author in seemingly transient conscious and subconsious state of mind reflects and spells the various people, incidents, tragedies and joys in her life. She journeys through the turbulent years of adolescence to the carefree world of cheap freedom, and from the childhood of maturity to the adulthood of wisdom and achievement. And in her own enigmatic, wierd way, the author reaches out to the world with a message of how important it is to love; but more important is to love thyself. In her own words,
"Loving another person( romantically) requires you to love and understand what you stand for. Its only when you know what you mean to yourself can you let someone else mean the world to you."
I am definitely going to write this one; Interesting or not, life's lessons musn't be forgotten.
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